Looking Back.
jkarnage
Well it's been four years and what can I say for myself?...

Well,

Love comes to all kinds of people. Not just the pretty and skinny.
I ripped out my own heart more than once for the sake of my one true love but eventually I got my prince charming and he was more than worth the wait.
However, after a year of waiting for him to ditch his girlfriend, then another four months of waiting to be able to tell people he was mine, then a 3 year relationship that made people believe we were perfect.
I walked away. I really did.
The trouble with young love is just that. It's young.
Now I'm the first to stand up and say youth doesn't mean you're not intelligent or don't know what you want, but the hard truth I have learnt in my 21st year of life is that what we want when we are young is not set in stone. It comes and goes. What we want will change with us. It will grow into something we may not recognise.
I still love him and dear God I miss him.
I miss him with everything I have.
But I need to know who I am and right now I just really really don't.

It's been a while.
jkarnage


So today i told the person i KNOW I'm meant to be with Something that hurt them, and hurt me by hurting them.

I never meant to do what i did, but it wasn't cheating because he wasn't actually mine.
It hurt to know he was with her nearly every night but i went through it because i love him,
and i would go through all of it all over again for him. I just would not use a certain
someone to pretend with, because i had no feelings, and the fact i did it kills part of me
i know thats no excuse and all i can say is i'm sorry, but i haven't even looked at anyone in that way since.
If all these was for nothing it wont just hurt, I dont know what it will do to be honest, but i dont think i'll be ok.
I'm sorry, I really am so sorry, and if you could just hear me when i say I Love You, You'd know that,
It's always just been you.


You can Sky rocket away from me.....just leave me your star dust to remember you by.
jkarnage
Everything feels like nothing at the minute.

Nothing feels right.

I seem to have forgotten who i am.

It feels like he is getting further and further away from me.

I dont want to, but is it time to let go?.

The Ebb of the Tide
jkarnage
Finally got diagnosed with Pcos.
Got a hospital appointment with a gynaecologist on the 29th of June.
It's a while away and i am nervous as hell, but maybe just maybe i'll get what i want.
Maybe for once i could feel comfortable in my skin.
Maybe even Pretty.

I got contraception while i was there, well a prescription, so far everywhere has been either shut or didn't it.
I chose the patch over the pill.
He seemed to take it weird, but i think it was more the way my frame of mine mistook his reaction.

Finally got out what i'd been dying to say.
I was right, we had kind of slowly been stopping? but not, it was unintentional, but subconsciouslly intentional.
He's been feeling kind of bad lately.
It's funny he feels bad for cheating on her, but not for what he's been doing to me.
I dont blame him.
Only because i love him.

We've Changed...But I Still Love you
jkarnage
We Used to kiss.
Just like that.
No need to ask, it just happened.
I never had to force the snuggles, they just happened.
We used to act like we're in love.
I still am.
I dont know if you are, I dont know if you ever were,
But i feel like it went back wards, and now i'm back at 15, being in love with you, but afraid to tell you.
So i sit and watch, and wait, and Hope.
Just hope that you'll change again.
That you will love me, again.

Blessed Sunday
jkarnage
I got to have him to myself for a long time for once.

It was one of the best sundays in a long time.
She didn't come round at all, so it was just me and him until gone 8.
I thank the Deities for it, must have been loving me today.
We didn't do much, just normal stuff, i watched him sand down and spray paint his Lizard cage.
I know when he gets them, she'll be all over them, claiming their half hers, but for now i wont let her ruin my happiness.
I know he is with her tonight, but for once it's not annoying me, Because i had an awesome day with him, and i know that to her it would of been boring, the little things dont make her happy like they do me.
Plus tomorrow, i get him to myself, not in a selfish way, i dont mind sharing him with the world.
It's more I like it when it's just me and him because it's easier to think of things how they used to be, it feels more like the old days.
When it was just us and Nick, and the world was ahead of us, and we were young and crazy and full of life.
Back when we weren't afraid to feel things.
when it's just us theres more little things.
I love our time together.
Even if, we do, nothing.

I hate missing people, especially when they haven't actually gone anywhere
jkarnage
I went around there early today.
I even ditched a ride with her just to see him before her.
However i forgot to take into account that mark is out of hospital now and would most likely be there, not that I minded
I love mark, he's the only person i know who can actually relate to my mental problems without sounding like a cliché or walking textbook.
I've missed him.
I meant it when i told him he's not alone.
Things where ok to start with when it was just us 3, At one point though it felt like i couldn't really remember his voice, and the one i was hearing was different, but it wasn't it was the same old Andy voice, The one I love, The one that keeps me here.
When she arrived it all went down hill, i mean yeah the night was fun, it was great seeing the guys.
But he just drifted further and further away.
Except for about 5 maybe 10 minutes on rock band where he sat on the bed with me, and kept rubbing my leg with his feet.
I love his feet their so warm.
I miss them warming mine in bed.
Like the freak he is he kept licking my arm to distract me, i didn't mind to be honest.
Because it's Andrew and it's the most direct attention i've had from him in ages.
After that though, he more than drifted away, he happily skipped from my general area to her acute direction.
I hate them all coupley, i hate them kissing, i hate him choosing to hold her, and snuggle with her, and be with her.
I could probably bare it, if i didn't have to see it, right infront of my face.
Everytime it's like he chooses her, then he'll hug me, or say something, or for just a minute maybe not even that, maybe just a few seconds he'll act like he genuinely cares, like he wants to be here with me, he wants to know what i thought, or why i laughed.
When he does that, that stupid little spark of hope i can never blow out comes back, and i'm fighting all over again.
I'm over my head in love. Again.

Well she knows some things...
jkarnage

My mother couldn't tell you my favourite colour, or band, or season, or drink or my lifes ambitions.

BUT she could tell you who i love more than the world.

I told her about my idea for college, well round 2 of college.

She turned to my uncle and said:

" She wont go, It's too far, She loves Andy too much"

Damn it, when she is right.


Too young for babies and smokes
jkarnage
I've watched several 17 year olds act like they are married, i've seen kids younger than me get engaged, i know 13 year olds with babies, and all i can think is what is left for when we get older? and whats worse is if it happened to me i wouldn't even mind, thats when i know it's wrong, when your willing to just accept it and not try to make a difference. Truth be told though, it's how they did it in the old days.

I love Labyrinth, Because i know i'd do all that and more for my little brother, and my brothers would do all that and more for me.
David Bowie Dance magic makes things better. If only for a little while.

I smoked a whole cigarette today, It was so bad but so good. Andrew would beat me with a cash register if he saw, and i dont blame him, I need to stop, kids are way more important than a nicotine fix.

I need to start fixing, My room, my life, my home, my plans, My head.
He didn't come round tonight like usual, Infact he didn't even text me to say he wasn't. I was fine at first i just blocked it.
Now that im home though, i feel so very far from home and i can feel the distance so very very badly.
It hurts.

Fight off the Urge to tell her how you feel...It will only cause problems tonight.
jkarnage


Sometimes I want to stand right infront of you and tell you how i feel.
Everything. Completely.
And if you didn't listen or couldn't hear me, I'd speak louder, I'd shout, I'd scream until my lungs bled.
If You'd hear my words.
If you'd love me.
I know a part of you does, You might be better at lying to me than i know, but there are pieces of you i know better than anyone, and i know part of you loves me. Or Loved me once.
Even for the briefest of moments.
I dont tell you how i feel thought because it's mostly when we part and your with her, or when im alone, that i have so much to say.
I'll tell you one day.
But there is one thing I know for certain.

I will never be afraid to tell you, I Love You.


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