Never let Best friends Date.

They say you always have room in your heart for your first love, and that the rest of the room is for whomever else you end up with.
But what if that gets reversed? What if you have a little room for the whomever else, and the rest of the room remains for your first love?......

I got the best kisses in A LONG time yesterday. Perfect.
Except. They only came on account of posion.
I used to hate the thought that he only said he loved me when he was drunk.
Now i hate that it isn't really true, but i love the way it sounds.
Sometimes i know im my own worst enemy, but i Wont change it.
Not yet. Probably not ever.
I love him too much.

I'm guessing he'll give her my day again.
Oh the urge to make a scene.                               
I, May, Just, Not, Be, Able, To, Stop, Myself.
I get to the point sometimes where i just dont care who knows, she can hate me all she wants, I want what i want.
That aint going to change.

Sometimes it feels like, the whole thing feels as great as it can do BECAUSE it's a secret though.

So for now.......I wont say a word.


Tired, but i think i remember sleeping?

I had my scan, i lead down and felt completely out of place.
My head kept saying you shouldn't be here yet, you shouldn't be having an ultrasound until your older and pregnant.
It wasn't so bad, got to see my ovaries on a screen, their kind weird looking, although i was at a dodgy angle.
However i'm still stuck at square one waiting to find out if it really is pcos because yet again they told me they couldn't tell me and that  have to make another appointment...blah, blah,blah.
I have to give big loves to my mate phil for making a hospital trip amazing, we sat int he waiting room quoting scrubs....We were the only ones in the room smiling....Tough crowd much.
We nearly stole two hospital carts so we could play mario kart in real life, but i told him everytime we steal a cart and old person dies.

He came around this monday, and he read my journal, i fought to stop him but well he is ALOT stronger than me, plus it says on the font page that he is the only person with rights to read it, so i can't really stop him. He read the page about him not coming round, and made a joke about if i dont really care then he wont bother. He knows i cared. He knows i care. So really he doesn't need to ask if it bothered me.
However this monday made up for it, it was one of the good ones, no awkwardness we were just together, not quite how we used to be, but im hoping we'll get there.
One day.

Things at home are getting hard again, what with my uncle and cousin being here, my cousin being diabetic and me being a needle phobic strangely enough is going pretty well. It's mainly the fact they are new to how things are here, i dont socialise with the family much, they give me alot of space to just be me, in my own little Jenna world, but my cousin and uncle havent quite realised that and talk to me alot, and come in my room, and strangely enough i dont dislike them for it, i'm just not used to it, and well adjusting can be difficult.
Sometimes when your too far gone, you just can't come back.

I think i've made my college/future plans. Again.
I'm going to finish this year of art, and try to get an A Level, then i'm going to take an apprenticeship in Hair to get an NVQ, whilst training as a tattoo artist at home, then when i've finished hair, I think i might go with Kayleigh to Bournemouth & Poole college to study theatrical and media make up. Sounds like a Plan dont it?.


It Hurt
He chose her over me on monday.

One of the worst things he could ever do is give her my one day, and He did it.
It Hurt.


So Tomorrow I go for a pelvic ultrasound to find out if i deffinetly have PCOS.
I'm thinking i do seeing as i have all the symptoms and my blood test said i did. 
I'm not as scared as i thought i would be, just kind of nervous. It's not so much the pcos i'm worried about.
It's the fact that tomorrow i find out if i can have kids or not, OR whether i can but am going to need help or it's going to be difficult for me to.
I've been thinking alot about what if they tell me i have a higher chance of conceiving while im young?
Because then it's like I'll have to think well do i want to have a child and not regret not having one later?
OR do i choose to have a life and deal wth whether or not i can have one when the time comes?.
I've never wanted a teen pregnancy and i still dont, but I dont think it can be considered so bad if it's your only choice of ever having a child.
I dont know. 

I'll have to wait and find out.

Wish me luck.



Last night was awesome, tonight....not so great.

I walked all the way to see him, just to see him with her because he wont be here on monday. I'm not looking forward to that unhappiness, there will be tears. No one else decided to turn up so i got to play third wheel Jenna. It was ok i talked to her quite alot and he just played video games. When i left it all felt wrong, it was alot earlier than usual for starters and our goobyes aren't what they used to be. They used to be guarantee's that we'd see each other again, now they are just goodbyes, with that left over ache of wondering when the next time will be, if it will be. I keep telling myself he doesn't want me in hope that maybe something will click, but so far nothing.

I dont understand it, and i dont get whether to fight? and if there is anything to fight so for now im not. I'm not exactly giving up either, To be honest i dont know what i am.

Is it bad to be wishful?

It was my little brothers birthday on saturday and i was in bed all day, i didn't plan to be but lately my sleeping patterns are insane.

They brought a hamster today, so many reactions, so many consequences from such a tiny thing, but it lives, and it's size scares me, i worry for it far more than a person should worry for a hamster. I think it's because i feel sorry for any creature destined to spend it's short life alone, especially in my household.

I realised recently theres alot of stuff that i think i should of done, or that i wish i had done, and i wonder is it ever bad to be wishful? is it jsut an excuse for laziness? or is it a way of wanting changes in the past without being labelled regretfull? why are regrets such a bad thing?.

I wish I hadn't got with a certain someone and that i had learned the first time round, I wish i had read my little Brother stories as often as i could, i wish i had asked my grandfather every question under the sun and i wish i had reunited him with all his brothers before he died, I wish i hadn' made fun fo that womans hat at the funeral to later find out she had cancer, I wish i had found another job and been brave, i wish i hadn't of let my attendance get so bad at school, i wish i had stood up and stuck it to the man, i wish i had stayed long enough to be handed an actual black belt, i wish i had tried to climb through that hole in wales, I wish i hadn't grown up so fast, I wish he hadn't walked out, I wish i hadn't stopped going to my fathers house, I wish i still went, I wish we hadn't changed, I wish my brother and i hadn't been torn apart, i wish i did all the things i wanted to, i wish i learned an instrument when i was younger, i wish i had tried harder, I wish i could of saved the chase, I wish we'd slept under the stars once.

Most of all I wish I told you i loved you back when it wasn't too late, and if you didn't hear me, I wish that I would of yelled it at you until you couldn't hear anything else.

The Tired mind often creates a crazy one....

Didn't sleep very well last night, However not for bad reasons for once.

I was with him, and for once we weren't at mine, I havent slept in his bed with him in a LONG time. I told myself not to get used to it but i loved every minute, the way he fell asleep with his arm around my neck and hand in my hair, and the way he would move around in his sleep, kiss my shoulder and pull me closer. I'm keeping these memories locked away so they wont ever fade or be ruined, because i know he has chose her and i know i can't do anything about it, because he can't see how much i love him and i dont know how to show it anymore than i already do, i guess it's a classic case of just not going to happen.
I hate that. It feels like im losing him, especially to her and that drives me insane because he is more than  what she see's as an obsession, i really did love him, i really do love him, he's my best friend, family, my angel, he saved me and i hate that she get's to walk in and just take him.

Introduction to my crazy Train

I Never get writers block,      
I am sometimes unable to write about the subject im meant to be writing about, but i am always able to write about something.     
Yet starting this is really hard?, like do i start off formal with my name age and something about me? or just jump straight in?.                    
I've never been a formalities girl so im going with jump straight in.

I act older than my age, but i also act crazy like a childs version of being hyper. i like it when people aren't afraid to act like a complete freak infront of you, makes me feel comfortable to know they are comfortable. I over think all the time, not by choice it's just the way my brain naturally behaves, I have a back up generator of hope, no matter what i'm always able to be hopeful, sometimes i wish i wasn't.                        I have a slightly photographic memory, and i love making memories. I love to create and make, art is probably my biggest passion, that and writing. I write everyday as much as i can. I love music, it's what keeps me sane, i love to sing although i dont think im good at it but i just dont care. I want to travel and see the world, not just because it's a MUST DO thing but because i believe in magic and i want to see what fairy tales lie in other places, i want to explore other worlds. I love atmospheres, not like when your in a room filled with people and it's awkward but when your alone sat on the grass somewhere and it's twilight and you get that feeling, of calmness. That kind of atmoshpere is what makes me believe in magic. I have alot of idea's, views, opinions and alot of questions, I want to know as much as i can, not about subjects like politics and worldly stuff but about people, and feelings and ideas and why we do the things we do. I want to know people.
There is alot to me, and i'm willing to share, it's why i'm here.




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